I get many emails every day, and I work hard to get them all answered in a timely fashion. It’s important to me that my customers feel like their email matters.

Sometimes I get questions that are really better answered in a public venue like this one, since I’m sure the rest of you could benefit from the answers. 

Here are just a few questions I’ve received recently.

Hello, please, help. How many shots of vodka are in a fifth of vodka?

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Hello Person Who Didn’t Sign Their Name,

I don’t know. Perhaps Google could be of assistance.  This is a yarn shop.

Sincerely,

The Yarnista

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Hello,

I am DYING to know how you dye yarn. Specifically, I want to know how to make some of the Fiona colorway for myself. Could you walk me through it? I really need help mixing the colors, too — could you give me the recipe?

Thanks so much!

Kxxxxxxxxx

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Dear Kxxxxxxxx,

Thanks for your email.  All of our colorways are completely original, and we’ve worked hard to develop formulas and techniques that help us create unique and beautiful products. We can help you with some more general dyeing advice in our tutorial (insert blah blah blah here)… but we’re unable to give out specific recipes at this time.

Let me know if you have any further questions.

Love,

The Yarnista

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Dear Yarnista,

One of my friends told me you were nice, but I guess she was wrong. What a beeyotch. I’m adding you to my spam list — never contact me again.

Thanks for nothing.

Kxxxxxxxxx

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Dear Kxxxxxxxxx,

‘K.

–Y.

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 Hello,

My name is Fxxxxxxxx, and I am wondering if you can tell me how to reach XYZ yarn company. I’ve emailed, and they won’t reply.

Sincerely,

Fxxxxxxxxxx

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Dear Fxxxxxxxxxx,

I just peeked at XYZ yarn company’s website for you, and saw blahblah@xyzyarncompany.com listed as a contact address — is that what you have as well? Just to clarify, you’re trying to reach XYZ, and not Three Irish Girls, is that right?

Yarnista

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Yarnista,

Yes, I want to reach XYZ. I contacted you because I thought all yarnistas were friends and thought you would know how to reach them. XYZ won’t get back to me.

Fxxxxxxxxxx

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Fxxxxxxxx,

I’m sorry XYZ won’t get back to you, that sounds frustrating. Is there anything else I can do to help you?

Yarnista

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Yarnista,

Yes, you could get in touch with XYZ for me and tell them I’m trying to reach them. 

Fxxxxxxxxx

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Hello Three Irish Girls!

I just wanted to say that I love your colorways! You make me want to knit! I’m just writing to ask, why are your colorways so great?!?! Why do you taunt me so?!?!? Why do you make me feel like I must sign over my paycheck to you?!?!? HELP?!?!?

Love,

Mxxx

P.S. I am a boy (!). I assume you are a girl, given your business name, but I just wanted to confirm that there are actual boys who visit your site!

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Hi Mxxx,

Thanks for your email — I’m glad you’re enjoying the colorways! If there are any questions I can answer for you, please feel free to let me know. In the meantime, happy knitting!

Yarnista

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Yarnista,

I have a question! Are you a girl? I want to meet a nice Irish Girl! I am a nice boy.

Love,

Mxxx

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Dear Mxxx,

Good luck with that.

Yarnista

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I hope these vitally important answers to life’s most pressing questions have improved your existence.  Please leave chocolate and turn off the light on your way out.

–Y.

Your questions are keeping me up at night. I will not rest until I can be sure that you know absolutely everything you need to know.

Which actually explains quite a lot about me. 

Rhiannon asks,

What do you like most about running yarn of the month clubs?

Well, I’ll tell you, Rhiannon. I’ll tell you because that is the whole point of this column, The Yarnista Answers Your Questions. What good would this column be if I didn’t actually tell you anything?

I like the people a lot. It’s fun to collaborate with awesome designers, and it’s also a hoot to get to know the club members.

The club members and I, we’re as thick as thieves. We discuss world affairs and great literature.  We talk auto mechanics and jet propulsion. We chat about concepts like, “Is there such a thing as Truth, or is the truth different for each person because of their subjective experiences? Can we ever really know Truth?” One of my favorite discussions centered around globalization and emerging world markets. We elucidated points on how to best capitalize on resources without exploiting indigenous cultures. We debated whether Rahm Emanuel’s prior Capitol Hill experience will hurt or hinder him in his new role as White House Chief of Staff.

Actually, we haven’t discussed anything in the previous paragraph at all. But they’re on the list of scheduled topics.

The club members and I have devoted ourselves to the discussion of important things like adult incontinence as related to wool delivery. (I believe the medical term for this is “Peeing One’s Self From Excitement Due To Yarn Arrival.”) The size of sheep testicles is also something we’ve frequently pondered. Just why are they so big? Try thinking about that the next time you can’t sleep.

In addition to getting to know the club members, I enjoy the process of coming up with new club colorways. I have to make something new and exciting every month. It can be hard when Creativity is not on my side, but I persevere. I like dyeing all the club yarns, checking off how many left to go, and then I love Yarn Party Day.

Yarn Party Day occurs during the third week of the month, and it’s when I bring in three people to help me do nothing but pack packages all day long.  The packing room becomes filled with packages, and you can’t even walk around. It makes me feel giddy.

And then the best best part is taking all the packages to the post office and waving goodbye, knowing they’ll soon be rumbling and winging their way to their new homes. I kiss them, wish them well, and hope they’ll be the beloved darlings of their new parents.

I am quite likely the only person ever, in the history of the United States Postal Service, to stand at the loading dock while my packages are being wheeled away and wave and get teary.

I love seeing the yarn drying on the lines. It’s incredibly difficult to photograph this. I only have a 50mm lens, and I really need something with a wider angle to take a picture of a small room filled with nine drying lines. I need to get a new lens. Nikon lovers, any suggestions?

Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!

Look at these huddled masses. They’re just yearning to be free.

I love coming up with little treats to include in the packages. Someday I’m going to come up with a blog post that shows all the treats.  (If you’re in the club and you ever hate your treat, just send it right back on home to me, I’ll give it some love.)

I could go on and on about the quest for the best base yarns, the fun I have seeing which colorway choice will prove to be most popular, the joy I feel looking at a mountain of freshly wound and labeled yarn. But I think I’ve answered your question, Rhiannon. Yes?

(Rhiannon, by the way, is a lovely person who happens to have a colorway named just for her.)

Thus, the end to this column has arrived. Please stay tuned for another exciting episode, in which we discuss things like, Just how did you come to be the Yarnista? Does the Yarnista wear a cape?

I have not answered questions in a while. Please forgive me. I’ve been a tad busy. But really, busy-ness is no excuse whatsoever.  None at all.

Jaime, friend, asks:

Is your husband of Irish blood too? Can you trace your ancestors back to parts of Europe? You’re definitely a beautiful Irish girl!!

Yes, my darling hubs is Irish as well. His family knows where they came from, and none of them want to go back.  When they left Ireland, times were bad. People were starving. There were no jobs. Everything was always damp. People were dying of consumption and other diseases that now have modern names.

These stories were passed down through the family, and my husband’s generation is now far enough removed that Ireland seems like a beautiful homeland with castles and green meadows and people with lilting accents and deep literature.  But to my father in law, Ireland is like a place he was rescued from — he has no desire to go back there.

It’s hard to imagine that at the turn of the 20th century, the Irish were shunned in the United States.

Fortunately, times have changed. More Americans claim Irish ancestry than any other. It’s now OK to have the word Irish in the name of your business. There are entire stores devoted to Irish stuff. Like Irish Indeed at the Mall of America.

You can purchase this, if you really must:

My great great grandmother was an Irish immigrant through Ellis Island at the turn of the century.

As to the second part of your question, Jaime, all I can say is thank you. And perhaps you need glasses.

Kimberli asks,

How does one find more money to buy yarn? All options considered (even robbing a bank).

Well, now. As a law teacher, I would have to advise against the latter, as the FBI will likely seize any yarn you purchased with the stolen money and hold it in an evidence warehouse until the exhaustion of all your appeals. I don’t want that to happen to the lovely yarn. It didn’t ask to be bought with stolen money.

Here are some ideas for finding ways to purchase more yarn without actually committing crimes:

1. Sell your junk on Craigslist or Ebay. I like Craigslist because it’s free, and nothing more is needed in your listing than a tiny picture and a lot of exclamation points. Like this:

TV CABINET CLEAN AND CHEAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! People eat that stuff up. In fact, I have purchased a clean and cheap TV cabinet off of Craigslist. Use money from selling junk to buy more yarn.

2. Tutor or teach lessons. Maybe knitting lessons. Maybe SAT tutoring? Reading? Math? Piano? (I got a clean and cheap piano off of Craigslist as well.) Banjo? LSAT? MCAT? Put an ad on Craigslist, you’ll find customers.

3. Cut out Starbucks for a week. I did this last week and saved $433.92. I bought yarn with it, naturally.

4. Go out to eat less often. Use the money saved to buy yarn. If you spend $35 going out to eat, the enjoyment lasts, what, two hours? Three, max? If you buy yarn, you get to spend hours picking it out, maybe days or weeks of excited anticipation as you wait for it to arrive, time fondling and petting the yarn, the actual knitting time (weeks? months?), plus all the time you get to enjoy the item after it’s finished. It’s definitely a wiser use of your funds. No dinners out = more yarn for you.

5. Cancel the internet at your house.  Never mind. That’s ridiculous.

6. Look on Craigslist for stuff to sell on Ebay. I am serious. Go to yard sales, find sellable stuff, and then resell it for a profit on Ebay. I once found a Delft plate at a yard sale for $3 that I sold for $90 on Ebay. I once bought a designer leather jacket at a yard sale that would never fit me (I haven’t been a size 0 petite since I was like… well, never.)  and sold it for like $120 or something. At yard sales, people just want to get rid of their stuff. On Ebay, people try to find good deals on collectibles. You get a good deal at the yard sale, and the buyer gets a good deal snagging a leather jacket for $120.

7. Ask for gift certificates for your birthday and the holidays. I can think of a few yarn sites that sell them. 

8. Marry rich.

Those are all my suggestions at the present time. Please feel free to add your own in the comments.

This has already become interminably long. I fear your eyes are beginning to weep at the site of this post, so I shall have mercy and bid you a fond adieu.

I hope you had a lovely holiday, complete with large quantities of deliciousness and good company. And I hope that if you live outside of the US, you had the best Thursday you’ve ever had.

To celebrate, I am posting the link to a podcast interview I did while I was away at Stitches East.  It was conducted by the girls at Craft Mentality, whom I’ve known online for many years, but never had the pleasure to meet in person.

Just to set the scene, I was interviewed in the middle of our booth surrounded by large quantities of people.

So as we’re doing this interview, people stopped and gathered round. If someone gave me bunny ears behind my head, I would not have been surprised. It took all my concentration to stay focused on the interview because there was so much noise and so many people around.

So, just picture me:

sitting in that exact spot, surrounded by lots of noise and people and a person with a digital voice recorder. A very very nice person with a digital voice recorder. The fact that I sound the way I do has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with her.

I learned it is much easier to sound reasonably awake and intelligent in a quiet room than it is in a booth at a convention. I will add that to my list of Life Lessons Learned Through Experience. It’s on the wall of my studio right next to the rest of the signs I have tacked up.

It’s a long list. It also has things like, “Spilling black yarn dye on blonde hair = not good,” and, “When in Estonia, don’t eat the pizza.” (I know, I’m probably one of the few people in the world who doesn’t like pineapple and blue cheese as pizza toppings. Together.)

The first interview in the podcast is with my Yarn Love partner, Katie, and I am third in the broadcast.

Have at it! — Stitches East 2008 interview

(If you’re new to podcasts, you just click on “download episode 12″, and turn up the volume on your speakers.)

And try not to hold it against me.

We haven’t answered any questions in a while, so the time has come.

Mary asks,

How many skeins do you dye a day?

And the answer is:

If you care for a longer answer, keep reading.

Bonus points for you, Mary. Good question. How many skeins I dye in a day is very very variable. Do I have childcare? Do I have adequate supplies of caffeine? What are the snacks like? Is the music upbeat? How much sleep have I had? All of these things matter.

Childcare = if my husband is home, I can get a lot more done. If I have to keep an eye on babies/referee fights/change diapers/keep fingers out of light sockets, it slows things down considerably.

Caffeine = don’t even talk to me unless I’ve had at least 1-1/2 cups of coffee. And then make me a glass of iced tea while you’re at it.

Snacks = gotta keep the energy up. And carrot sticks are not my thing.

Music = slow music is too restful. Athletes do not train to ballads. My goal is to become the Michael Phelps of yarn dyeing. I’ve been known to listen to songs that I don’t even like that much in an effort to keep my energy up. I have entire yarn dyeing play lists on my iPod. I am sick of my yarn dyeing playlists at the present, actually. There’s only so many times you can listen to the song “Pretty Fly for a White Guy” before you want to hurl. Anyone got any ideas?

Sleep = nine hours is ideal. Six is workable. Four is hard.

Part of what takes time is the colorway set up. It’s complicated, but each colorway requires a whole variety of steps, including cleaning your equipment between colorways. If I have to crank out a whole bunch of the same colorway, that takes less time than doing two skeins of this, and one skein of that, and three skeins of this, and four skeins of that and two of this and one of that and five of this and three of that and on and on.

Sometimes you can’t dye the same colorway on different yarn bases. They have to be done separately. That adds time. If everything is on the same base, I can go faster.

So, Mary, the answer to your question is: twelve.

And sometimes the answer is: 60. Sixty is a hard day. But it’s been done before. And when I want to stop for the day, I can ask myself, “Would Michael stop now? Would Michael power through one more rotation of this playlist?” He is, after all, pretty fly for a white guy.

It’s time for another installment, don’t you agree? There are just so many pressing questions that must be answered, so I better stop chit-chatting the day away and wasting time. I should get to the questions immediately. Post haste. I should hurry up and stop rattling around and actually do what I say I’m going to. For Pete’s sake and honest to goodness.

Jaime, dear friend, asks:

Does Yarnista EVER get to actually knit?? Being a Mommy with 3 kids,a wife(cooking cleaning,laundry,mopping), a friend, a shop owner, account keeper, Post Office runner, on the internet posting on blogs, ravelry, AND having her hands in the dye pot do you ever get to….knit?

The Yarnista — here we are, back to referring to The Yarnista in the third person — does get to knit. The Yarnista just cast on for a new sweater over the weekend, actually. Here ’tis.

Giselle has several options. My version is light gray. I will be doing the longer all-knit version, and I will likely be modifying the sleeves so they’re a little plainer.

Because I’m really a plain person. Just have a look around my website, you can just feel the plainness permeating every surface. I really hope that’s the feeling you get when you visit this blog, too, Jaime. “Wow, I just love this really plainplainplain website.”

Did The Yarnista forget and begin referring to herself in the first person again? Oh.

I am also also log-cabinning away on a log cabin blanket. I think we should all work to incorporate the verb log-cabinning into our repertoire. It’s so important to expand one’s vocabulary.

I shall take a picture of my progress on Giselle soon and report back for duty.

Today we shall tackle three weighty topics. The types only a Yarnista of the highest caliber would be able to even begin to ponder.

Join us again next time, when the Yarnista will again ponder the unponderable!

Today (happy July 4th, if you’re in the U.S., by the way), I have decided to answer only the most pressing of questions, those of monumental importance.

Abigail asks,

“What are your hobbies/what do you like to do in your spare time? What is your dream vacation?”

Hobbies? Hmmm…

My main hobby is dyeing yarn. When I’m not dyeing yarn, I like to wind yarn, twist yarn into skeins, label yarn, package yarn, and visit the post office. (Because you just can’t pay for entertainment like this.)

I also enjoy answering emails, and dyeing yarn. Did I say dyeing yarn already? I did? Oh.

When I’m not engaged in the above hobbies (which I am all the time), I do love to read. I really enjoy nonfiction books that expand my repertoire of facts, useless or otherwise. (Like this. ) I am nearly finished with Eric Weiner’s book, The Geography of Bliss: One Grump’s Search for the Happiest Places in the World.

It’s quite good, I would recommend it. Eric Weiner is an NPR foreign correspondent and he travels the world, visiting places that embody some aspect of what research indicates makes people happy. (For example, Bhutan for its spirituality. Qatar for its wealth. Iceland for its rotten shark meat.)

While we’re on the subject of recommendations, I have one for all you Netflix Knitters. HBO’s John Adams Miniseries.

It is truly phenomenal — I watched all seven parts of it twice. The last episode is so moving, you won’t be able to knit through the tears. This isn’t a documentary, so it lacks the boring, “And now we shall see a picture of John Adams’s childhood home. And now, a look at where John Adams went to school.”

It’s a historically accurate dramatization of John Adams’s later life — from the Boston Tea Party through his presidency, and beyond. Tom Hanks was the executive producer, and it was based on David McCullough’s best selling book. (He was also a consultant for the miniseries, and during an interview, he said this is the single best and most accurate representation of the Revolutionary War period ever made — every single detail, from the clothing to the set, was as accurate as possible.)

Even if you are not a history buff, this is worth watching. I promise, get through the first two episodes, and you will be hooked. Finish the whole thing, and you will be a blubbering mess who can’t stop thinking or talking about it. If you like period dramas, like Pride and Prejudice, you will like this. If you like nonfiction, you will like this. If you like intrigue, amazing acting, stunning sets, and heart-wrenching music, you will like this.

So. You will like it. Watch it.

I bought it for my mother for Mother’s Day.

I PRE-ORDERED an advance copy from HBO for Mother’s Day. You will like it.

Watch it.

I think it should now be clear that I like movies and really excellent television.

Watch it.

I also happen to like occasional bits of drivel, like, Whose Wedding is it Anyway?

And also, What Not to Wear.

Because it’s time everyone stops wearing pleated, tapered pants.

Did I mention knitting as a hobby? I didn’t? Oh.

I do love knitting. I knit obsessively in the car. Traffic around here is ridiculous, and you would be amazed at how much I get done just while stopped at stop lights.

About the second part of your question, Abigail, the vacation part? I can answer this question in about two words. Alpine Europe. (Make that exactly two words.)

Alpine Europe for a few weeks with my husband, sans children. While I would love to take my kids to Europe one day, they’re still too young, and the thought of an international flight with them makes me want to check into a mental facility.

My darling hubby and I would take our time visiting Switzerland, Austria, Italy, Germany, and France. We would eat enormous quantities of child unfriendly food (you know, the kind that does not involve quesadillas and chicken nuggets, and takes more than ten minutes to prepare), see the sights, visit all the out of the way places, and not go skiing.

That’s the kind of people my husband and I are. Non-skiers.

(It’s only one of the reasons I married him.)

I feel better that at least I was able to tangentially relate this post to yarn and/or knitting.

Perhaps I will add a picture of yarn, just to ease any residual fears I have.

Hope that answers your question, Abigail!

For column numero dos, we shall tackle Meghann’s weighty question pertaining to my aforementioned birth. I said that my arrival was foretold by a swallow and double rainbows appeared in the sky over the mountaintop where I was born.

Meghann writes, “double rainbows, huh?”

Meghann, thank you for this thought provoking question. Let us explore.

The answer is simply, “Nah, just kidding.”

However, there is one person in the world who claims to have their birth foretold both by swallows and rainbows. For real.

His name?

Kim Jong Il.

The dictator of North Korea. (This is one of his official portraits. That tidbit of info? From his official biography. Also, he claims a new star appeared in the heavens. Because he’s apparently very special.) Kim Jong Il has spent $20,000,000 importing new Mercedes cars for himself, rounding out the North Korean fleet of luxury cars at an even 7,000. He only travels by armored train, when he travels anywhere at all.

Sorry to disappoint, Meghann, and please let me apologize in advance if I’ve let any of the rest of you down.

So, what does this have to do with yarn?

Absolutely nothing. Didn’t I say this was called The Yarnista Answers Your All Your Questions and Then Some? 

So there.